i lost my cat two weeks ago. lost, in the truest sense of the word; like a kid at a carnival enthralled by the blinding lights, hands slipping out from each other. lost, like a balloon drifting in the sky. you know it was loved once, but now it is untethered, never to come home again.

i tried to keep my grieving to a minimum. i couldn’t afford it, i told myself. i had exams to write, classes to attend, a life to live. but in doing so, i neglected the very real truth that it hurt. i had spent every summer afternoon with my cat purring softly in my lap, cool stone against my skin. he had a terrible habit of breaking into our house in the morning - 7 am sharp; my very own living breathing alarm clock, yelling for me at the foot of my bed. as much as i detested it then, i miss his loudspeaker yowls in the morning. i’ve already started to forget what they sound like. i have begun to forget the feeling of his soft fur between my fingers, the sound of his soft snores.

i tell myself that just because i cannot remember, does not mean it wasn’t real. love is not permanent. we’re told that love means more when it lasts, when it stands the test of time, but we have to take a minute to remember all the love that didn’t. take the time to grieve.

in depriving myself of that closure, the ability to feel that grief, i forgot all the love i had for the time we spent together. and that felt even worse. 

i heard someone say that grief is just a summation of all the love you never got to give. it is love that went unexpressed; and there is no worse kind. grief, they say, is simply love persevering.

love is not permanent, and that’s alright. i think there’s beauty in its transience. sometimes it’s easier to cherish something fleeting. think of it this way: a vacation is only special because it lasts a week. if life was a vacation, every adventure would feel mundane. the magic would be lost. to live has so much meaning to us because one day, we will stop.

we are mosaics of every person we have ever loved. dogs, childhood mates, music teachers, old neighbours, internet friends. all that love, the love we hold for the world, makes us who we are.